Anger

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." - Yoda

Ask any of my real friends and family and they will tell you that I don't get upset easy. I am pretty laid back about most things. But they will tell you that when I get upset its never a good thing. I will say a lot of things I do not mean. I can be violent and I will run my mouth.

Recently, I have had a lot of things go wrong for me. It has lead to a lot of feelings. Most of which end with me in a shitty mood or lack of sleep. The lack of sleep will also eventually lead to a shitty mood.

We all make dumb mistakes. I don't get drunk and do it. I do it after life has beaten me down. So just know I never mean any of it and always feel horrible about it after its over with...

I try to be a good guy all of the time. Sometimes that's not possible...

Hmm... The things you learn

"All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed." — The Joker to Batman

I did have a bad day. I have had a shitty week to be exact. In the span of seven days I have lost my kitty and my girlfriend. I did not get the job I wanted. Not because I needed a different job but because I need Medical and Dental Ins. Which goes well with my calf strain and shoulder issues.

But yesterday was a pretty good wake up call. Shitty day turned into shitty evening. Softball was wretched and the drive home was worse. A blown tire in the ghetto* is not the best thing in the world after the day I had. I was ready to just give up.

My brain would have been happy to shutdown. It didn't though. I just got up and did what I had to do because that is what I do.

Life will go on. It won't stop because I have a bad day or week or year or month. Good things have happened and I wouldn't lose those for anything. Bad things come and go.

I know I am not perfect. And when I am angry or hurt I lash out. It happens to me and I know it happens to others. I'll try to make amends with those I have offended. I know I have already tried.

Oh well. Maybe they aren't ready yet to know I only want the best for them

But as you can see... The Joker was wrong about me.


*Horrible traffic jam on 95 on the way home. My GPS is a dick and sent me in the middle of shit town.

Why? Why? Why?

I lost my baby, Zoey, today. She was taken way before her time. My heart is broken.

Yes, she was a cat. But to me she was more then just a cat. She was one of the most important members of my family. Look at your family and just imagine how you would feel if you woke up one morning and they were laying there lifeless and there was nothing you could do. That's how I am feeling today. Anyone that truly knows me knows this is true.

I got her when she was just a small ball of fluff. She had just gotten fixed and had a little boo boo on her belly. Well I'd kiss it and eventually she'd learn to roll over just so I'd kiss her belly. I still did that, I did it yesterday when I got home from work.

She was so special to me. And I was special to her. When I was married my wife at the time would tell me how when I went to softball Zoey would sit at the top of the steps and just sigh until I got home and she'd perk up and be so happy when I called her name. We played our version of fetch. I'd throw a fuzzy ball, which was her favorite toy, and she'd bring it back to me and make a little couch sound for me to do it again. We'd do it for hours until she got tired of running up and down the steps and she'd lay next to me.

When I was sick she'd stay by my side. When my wife asked me to leave she laid with me while I cried. When I felt I couldn't go on anymore I looked in her face (also Brat's and Buffy's) and knew I had to keep going for them. They counted on me and as their 'Daddy' I wasn't going to let them down.

Life went on and I think recently I was finally giving them a good home. I thought things were going right for us. I was planning my families future with our well being in mind.

Now I am without my baby and I am crushed. I won't be very personable for awhile. Maybe when I get her ashes back next Monday.

I love you so much baby and I miss you. I hope you know that Zoey. I will see you again someday.